I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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