We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
