upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
