i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
