last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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