Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
