Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
