So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
