I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
