The maid of honor just puked.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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