U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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