I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
