Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
