You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
