you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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