why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize