Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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