Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
