I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
the liver wants what the liver wants
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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