God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
