I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
