if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
