An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
