i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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