in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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