Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
