Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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