I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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