the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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