i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
