I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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