You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize