I want to make a zoo with you.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
