Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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