I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So many bounce houses so little time
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She bit a glass in half.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize