hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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