I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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