I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
