I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You were trust falling into bushes
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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