Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
