your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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