If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
