My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
