I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
