Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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