I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
