we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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