You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
