there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
