My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize