$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If I die, sorry about rent.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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