I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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