My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
