Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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