I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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