Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
