i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
