Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
