he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
