i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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