All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
