What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize