Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
