come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
