I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
