Don't make out with my wife yet
I think i peed on brittanys purse
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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