I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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